Ruminations

Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops. -Kurt Vonnegut

I feel like there’s too many cameras right now. Like, you go to buy something, and everything’s also a camera. They’ll be like, ‘It’s also a camera.’ And I’m like, ‘I just wanted a grapefruit.’ -Mike Birbiglia

Do you remember all those years we spent with film cameras? I know, it’s difficult, but remember that rush on the morning of the field trip when you realized you forgot to get a camera and now you have to swing by walgreens on your way to school. How about that anxious moment when you got your pictures back and you never knew what kind of strange surprises were waiting for you. I remember always getting doubles so that I could share the pictures with my friends (yeah, Mark Zuckerberg, that was “Sharing” back then).

Digital cameras are great. They save money and you end up with so many lovely pictures. But let me know if this scenario rings true: ‘We need a picture together! *Click* Oh, wow, we look like crazy people in that one. Let’s try again’. We all agree that digital cameras have an upside, but I don’t think I’m the only one who’s a little wistful for the olden days.

Who has one of those sibling pictures where at least one of you looks intoxicated and Dad’s thumb is encroaching on the bottom right corner? Going to camp with 2 disposable cameras meant having to decide what 52 moments were worth immortalizing. Capturing those candid smiles and baby laughs meant more.

This whole camera thing came to me today as I was contemplating (ruminating if you will) this new statistic that has recently been swirling around in advertisements. Something like 1 in 5 relationships start on the internet. You are more likely to meet your significant other on the internet than at a bar or party. Are you serious? I’m so tired of the internet being a proxy to real life connections. In my generation, we all like to say that we “love meeting new people”, but is that just referring to growing friend counts?

We meet someone in real life and then they get googled and facebooked. No, you’re not trying to stalk someone, you’re just trying to determine if this person is single, looking, or crazy. We haven’t progressed from 6th grade when our friends mediated our relationships and break-ups. Only now FB is the friend running back and forth on the playground. Can we ever just look people in the eye.

My roommate and I were recently talking about how being in schools so much has made us use Positive Behavior Support tools in our normal lives, outside of school. This results in us affirming the good, but expected behaviors of our friends. What a cool thing to voice your appreciation for simple, everyday things. Can we please get back to looking people in the eye and being honest. Why is it strange or embarrassing to say we think someone is cool and we want to be friends, or ask someone if they’re single because we’d like to hang out sometime?

With digital cameras and social networking, we lose the spontaneity and thus serendipity. Heaven forbid we end up with closed eyes in the prom picture or a refusal of our provocations. At least then it would be real! I can not be summed up in a FB status or match.com profile. Sometimes I look like I have a double chin or lazy eye.

There are different ways to view history. In the west, we typically view history as an ascent. Each act builds on the one before it, propelling us ever forward to the summit, the pinnacle of human achievement, thought, action, and philosophy. But some people view history more objectively. Not everything that is new is an improvement. Just because something is possible technically, does not mean we should accept it. There’s a very real possibility that we’re losing our ability to be authentic.

We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves.  ~François Duc de La Rochefoucauld

“How did you deal with a recent failure?” -Practice question listed on the Truman Scholarship website.

When I first read that question I couldn’t think of any recent failures. There are several times in the last couple years when I wanted to quit something or experienced a personal struggle, but when have I failed? I got a letter from Madeleine K. Albright, Truman Scholarship Foundation President, saying she was “very sorry…” and “best wishes for continued academic success and for a rewarding professional career in public service”.

For over six months I scoured research about failing schools, dropouts, minority achievement, etc. I explored my own acts of service and leadership and then wrote and rewrote those reflections as well as carefully researched future plans for grad school and public service employment. I did some of this while sitting in Math 4060 and 4070, TDP 4020 and 4420, and Philosophy 4600. I used all of my $30 on campus printing quota within the first 2 weeks of the semester. I have lived and breathed education policy for six months and now…nothing. Game over.

What am I supposed to do now while having to sit through POINTLESS lectures and discussions. How am I supposed to convince myself that writing a paper about ancient philosophers really matters? How am I supposed to go back to just being a student?

How am I dealing with this recent failure?

Losing out on the Truman Scholarship was a lot like breaking up with someone. Or rather, someone breaking up with you. There was the immediate grief afterwards. Sorrrowful hours lamenting a future that will never be. Questioning whether all the time you put into “making it work” was even worth it. Then you have to break the news to your family and friends who were so hopeful that this thing/person was meant for you.

There were people reminding you of the good aspects of the last six months. How much you learned about yourself. For the first couple weeks after it was over, you don’t have a clue what to do with all your new free time. But then, time passes. You become busy with other things and focus more on school and work and your friendships. But every once in a while, someone makes an off-hand remark or you discover scribbled notes as you clean out your desk. You are still not convinced that you’re better off now as oppposed to before. You had so many hopes and dreams pinned on this thing, and now there is nothing. You really should have moved on by now.

I frequently think back to something that they ask in premarital classes. When you close your eyes and think of your wedding, do you only see the face of your fiance at the end of the aisle? I’ve always been comforted by this whole idea. As long as you can envision another future for yourself where you are satisfied, then it’s going to be okay. So you broke up. Can’t you see a future for yourself where you are living in a cool apartment alone, working and living it up? Or with someone else who really wants you back? It’s the same way with getting over the disappointment of Truman. For a long time, the idea of winning the scholarship was the only future I could envision. A couple months out (and in the middle of Truman Scholar Week…ugh), I have so many possible futures that it makes me dizzy.

Winning the Truman Scholarship would have been amazing. And that future looked pretty awesome, but nothing in life is linear. It is about starting from where you are now and making decisions. The path will shift along the way, but you have to take control. In the words of John Connor, “The future’s not set. There’s no fate but what we make for ourselves.”

…get out of the kitchen.” -Harry S Truman

As I sit here and type, I am able to breathe with an ease that I haven’t felt in ages. The Truman process is over. I don’t know yet if I am a scholar, but I completed my interview today and the decision has already been made. It is just a matter of waiting now. I’ve mentioned the Truman Scholarship many times in past posts, but I’ve never really tried to describe what it is or what it means to me personally. Mostly this is because a) I have a hard time describing how awesome the scholarship is and how much I personally value it, and b) I know that a lot of people don’t really care. It is not that you don’t care actively, but in a passive way which is understandable as it has no huge bearing on your life. But now, I’m going to try and describe my experiences with the Truman Scholarship process, if not for you, then for my own reference.

The Truman Scholarship is for those who want to make a difference in public service. It provides $30,000 for graduate school, but more important than the money is the community of change-makers you join, the deference you receive on future applications, and the overall helpfulness of the actual process. So step 1, get campus nomination. I did this back at the beginning of October then continued to work on my application and policy proposal until it was due nationally at the beginning of February. There were a couple weeks that I probably only spent about 5 hours working on the application, but as it got closer to February, I would spend 2-3 hours a day researching dropout prevention programs (the topic of my policy proposal) and just rewriting parts of the app.

I submitted my application online February 2, did a mock interview the next week, then found out that I was a Truman Finalist on the 19th. In the two weeks between my notification as a Finalist and my interview today, I did another 6? mock interviews with various professors and leading community members. I had immense help from the MU Finalist and Scholar last year and my amazing advisor. They grilled me with questions.

So, why am I making such a big deal out of an interview. Well, this is not your typical interview. Yes the stakes are high, but it’s also just a different ball game completely. You have 20 minutes and the second you sit down in the chair, they will fire a question at you that could be about an obscure bit of legislation in your field, a past activity you participated in/lead, or why exactly your policy proposal will work. This will continue for 19 minutes until you can offer a closing statement. There is no “tell us about your strengths/weaknesses”. Like I said, it’s a different ballgame. (see the end for the questions I got asked)

One really amazing part of Truman is what you learn about yourself. I had a great team of people at MU helping me the whole way, but they were great because they didn’t let me off easy. When you decide you are going to apply, you make a commitment to working in the public sector, so you have an idea of where you are headed, but the application makes you think about what your dream job is. Not just what you would be doing but with what organization and in what position. A lot of people know that there is a problem with failing schools, lack of clean water in the developing world, human traficking, disease, etc, but with the Truman, you have to think of a real, implementable solutions to those problems. It is not an award for thinkers but for the people who are actually going to effect change.

So now we’ve come to the other finalists. I ended up being the only other nominee from MU this year, so I haven’t gotten to experience the community aspect of the process up to this point. I made up for it today. There were 13 finalists from Iowa, Kansas and Missouri all interviewing at the regional review panel in KC, MO. We were all together in a room today from 8:30-5 except for the 20 minutes of your interview. At the end of the time we exited the courthouse (after retrieving our cameras and phones from security) and took a group picture. There were handshakes, hugs, and smiles all around as we went our separate ways back to China, London, New York, Washington DC, Chicago, Florida, Texas, Oklahoma, Massachussetts, California, Wichita, and Columbia.

You know how I’ve had a hard time explaining my thoughts about the Truman this whole time and even what it means to be selected as a Finalist or a Scholar? The people I met today understood that exactly. We all have had people tell us to stop worrying because of course we’ll win. But sitting in that room we were able to share stories about trips abroad, research, working in the legislature, and we were on an equal playing field. It didn’t matter that some people went to Harvard, Stanford, Oxford, etc, because we were midwesterners, really. And I think one of the reasons it’s so frustrating when people say “oh of course you’ll win” is because they are just throwing away the conversation and don’t want to hear what you have to say. During interviews today, we all knew just how important the scholarship was so we didn’t trivialize it. Instead we listened to each other.

I know I talk a lot. I know I’m writing a lot right now. Maybe I’m going overboard, but I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed a day of conversation as much as the one today. Instead of having someone look at you like you are crazy when you make a reference to an article in the NYtimes or a piece of legislation, that was how we all talked: drawing from multiple resources and looking to each other for advice specific to particular areas of study. I usually see a point when people stop listening to me and so I wrap it up, but we were all interested in everything and in learning from each other. I was so content to be a part of that group today.

So they will mail something to finalists on March 27 and the announcement will go online March 30th. I have no idea what my chances are, but I did get to talk about some things that I wanted to talk about and work in some answers that I didn’t get asked as well. At the end of the day, I’m proud to call myself a Finalist and clearly that makes me part of a group of amazing people around the nation. We’ll see about anything more than that!

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.”  -Margaret Mead

Questions… (not necessarily in order)

You say that 27% of students are dropping out of school and that schools are failing students, why do students dropping out prove that schools are failing?

Is it possible to have 100% graduation rates? What is an acceptable dropout rate?

What do you think about homeschooling? (it was more specific but this was the gist)

Do you think everyone needs to go to college/why should everyone have to go to college?

Should data systems track students on certain paths toward factory jobs, corporate jobs, etc based on their performance?

How were you a leader on the basketball team?

What about people who say that Teacher Preparation Programs with bachelors degrees aren’t the way to prepare teachers but that we should bring them in from other fields and certify them. How do you feel about that?

What did you learn about your experiences as a minority?

Why are there so few women mathematicians?

What is Missouri doing right in terms of educational policy?

Why aren’t you going to be a teacher?

Closing statement

Spring training is in full swing (haha -pun not intended but awesome nonetheless). The Winter Olympics are taking over my background noise, and March Madness is only weeks away. It’s only logical, then, that sports analogies are on my mind. Really though, I’m not sure that I have much room left in my brain. I haven’t even really started engaging in classes (what is this, week 5?) because I’ve been so busy with my independent study program, Truman, and just other STUFF. Class just seems like a necessary evil.

But as I listen to my classmates complain about our assignments which I rush to finish so that I can move on to real work, I notice a difference between our types of “stress”. There are consequences to not turning in assignments and not coming to class, but as juniors in the program, we know what we can and cannot get away with. We’re pretty much in cruise control at this point. However, I consider myself lucky. I have pursued a minor that put me in several out of the box experiences and pushed me to write, write, write, even when I was deriving and proving and solving. Additionally, I’ve spent the last 6 months working on an application that forced me to take a long, hard look at my life and what I really want to do in the future. In the process I had to defend myself to some pretty amazing people who know what they are talking about. And they drilled me with questions like: “If you think there is a problem with science, math, and engineering education, then what are you doing to fix it?”

I began working with the college of engineering a year ago to try and start a program like the one I’m working on now. But it kept falling apart. Now, it’s all up to me. And I am the one who is accountable. I am contacting community organizations and campus organizations and working to get it started. I am writing the proposal and re-writing it and re-writing it… So this semester I haven’t exactly been concerned with whether or not I’ll get my participation points for bringing my name tag to class. Instead, I’ve been working to solve some of the problems I’ve noticed in education.

As I’ve stepped up my game I’ve had some successes. I’ve been recognized in the College of Education by the faculty and I just found out that I am a finalist for that scholarship that I’ve been working on for nearly 6 months. But when you step up your game you enter a new level of play. The game gets more difficult. I’ve had to endure long hours of criticism, albeit constructive, where my application got torn apart and Jillian Michaels-style “you can do better than this” meetings. When you enter a new level of play, you strike out a lot more.

In college baseball, they use aluminum bats. When you watch a game, you hear the ping of bat on ball any time a solid connection is made. A lot of times, great sluggers from college ball make it into the minors and survive the permanent switch to wood, but in a lot of ways, hitting is different. What was good enough for a homer before often turn into just a long fly ball. Sure some guys make it to the majors, but there are many more who never get out. If you are a baseball fan, then you know about the guy who comes up from AAA multiple times in his career because he is so promising with his minor league-leading stats, but he can never take the heat in the majors and gets sent down again and again.

I think I would have been happy with a run-of-the-mill college experience. I know I would be a great lifetime teacher. But right now I’m amped with adrenaline from pushing myself to the next level. I am definitely striking out more than I EVER have in my entire life, but the hits are better here too.

Progress always involves risks. You can’t steal second base and keep your foot on first. ~Frederick B. Wilcox

So Valentine’s Day is next weekend. For the first time in my life the whole thing is kind of getting on my nerves. Many of you know my recent attempts at getting to the heart of the issue: “why am I always single?”. I don’t mind being single, per say, but humans are wired for companionship, and I definitely want the whole deal. Right now I’d settle for: let’s send each other posts on fb until you casually ask for my number and we go out and hold hands while participating in a cool activity then go to the movies and kiss goodnight and who knows? maybe this is the start of us going to parties together and being the unfortunate couple in the corner who leave early and no one cares about because they’re so absorbed in each other. But the point is, I haven’t even gone on a date in ages, and I’ve only had one serious relationship ever. So over break I began my introspection.

This process started with a conversation between me and an friend from high school. Four years ago, we went on a few dates. He said he thought I wanted to be single. That I wanted to wait for real relationships until I had my career settled. FALSE. But, he said, that is the vibe I send out. This is not my intention. To see if my possession of a “single vibe” was a widespread opinion, I consulted a true source of wisdom: Facebook’s Honesty Box. The anonymous comments (but all from males) I got to the question: “Do I send out a vibe like I want to stay single?”, are listed…

• I wouldn’t go that far, but you are somewhat difficult to approach.
• I don’t think so, not exactly anyway. I have never thought that you want to be single, the vibe I always get is that you keep yourself too busy for a relationship. I know I kind of dismissed the idea of trying to date you because I got the feeling I would be competing with everything you have going on in your life.
• ha, well it must not be that kind of vibe, cuz you def seem to get a lot of people that you don’t want to be with!
• The better question is whether or not YOU want you to be single. You are intelligent, charming, and pretty. You can get any guy you want.

So there’s not a general consensus, but there are some others who agree that I’m difficult to approach. I would like to bring some things into consideration here. In a post I wrote in high school I said that “intimidating is a word that 30-something women use as an explanation for why they’re still single”. I had just watched an Oprah episode with a bunch of strong, independent 30-something women who owned their own businesses or something equally impressive said that the reason they couldn’t find someone to be with was that they were intimidating. At the time I thought this was ridiculous and that these women had too high of standards. Today on Yahoo!’s dating advice, the #5 mistake that single women make is that we go for alpha males when we could be happy with a nice, sweet guy. Looking at these two things together is interesting. I DO think men are intimidated by strong women. Also, as a strong woman, I don’t want to be with just a nice, sweet guy. I want to be with someone else who is doing something cool and has big ideas and dreams. I don’t want to be the bigger person in the relationship, I want to feel like a woman.

Let me try and drive this point home by saying that sometimes I meet guys and I can tell they are interested in me. As I’m talking about my trip to Africa, or asking them about their classes, giving them ideas for what they can pursue after they graduate, or including people in the conversation, I see a certain look in their eyes: admiration. Only it’s not a good kind of admiration, it’s like how a little sibling looks up to their cool older sibling. I don’t want to be the person that makes you feel better because you have no idea what you’re doing after you graduate. I want to be in a relationship that challenges on both sides. In the words of Clementine from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, “I’m not a concept. Too many guys think I’m a concept or I complete them or I’m going to make them alive, but I’m just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don’t assign me yours.”

So what now? I did online dating for a week (disastrous results!), I try to meet people, and I don’t really know. Am I supposed to alter myself to be more flirtatious? I’m sorry, but I just don’t giggle and I won’t dance up on you. In the words of Chandler, “Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”. Heck, I might even do speed dating in Memorial this weekend. And no matter what anyone says, I may be busy, but the amount of time I waste doing nothing is plenty of time to at least be “talking to” someone.

I think what may be coming across as a single vibe is just me, being afraid. Yes, I want to meet someone and go on dates and fall in love, but it does scare me a bit too. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in love. Heck, it’s been over a year since I’ve even kissed anyone (yikes! sigh. $&%#^%$ ugh). And to be completely honest, it scares me.

So, I’m about to drop a bombshell. But before you decide to act on any anger on my behalf, or get up in arms, I would like to share with you that 1) I’ve forgiven all parties involved YEARS ago, and 2) it all happened YEARS ago. I got a text message from the ex-boyfriend on Friday. It said: “It probably doesn’t mean anything now, but I wanted to tell you that i am sorry for any pains i may have caused you.” After my response he replied, “i only wish i could have met you after i matured. if there ever comes a time in your life where you are okay with me enough to call, dont be a stranger.” Later in the day we had talked for about an hour and a half. I know you think this is crazy because (in a quick synopsis for those who don’t know the story), he cheated on me after we had been together 3 months and only a week after he told me he loved me, then he lied about it even though my friends tried to tell me, made me feel bad for even suggesting the infidelity, and continued to date me for 5 more months, break up with me, and then finally admit to the cheating months later. Among other things. But let me make my case for communicating with him now. I really meant it when I said I loved him, he was there for me during a lot of difficult times, he made me feel alive after a long time of being depressed, and he challenged me more than anyone ever has. Plus, it’s been over 2 years since we broke up and I hadn’t even talked to him in nearly that long, so why not.

So on one side of love scaring me, it is the idea of being hurt. Everybody can attest to this and I remember this, vaguely. But what really scares me is that I can’t remember being in love. I don’t know if it’s because it was a while ago of because for a long time I tried to block out that whole relationship from my mind, but I can’t grasp onto that emotion of being in love. Will I recognize it again?

I don’t know how to change up what I’m doing to make this single vibe disappear. I don’t know how to be less scared. Maybe other people who haven’t been burned so badly have it easier. I do know that I want to be open. I’m not sure if I’m going to be good at the whole dating game after being on the bench for so long, but I usually pick things up pretty quickly. The comedian Mike Birbiglia had a joke about how sex is like tennis, it’s not fun unless both people are on the same skill level. I think this logic applies for a lot of things. So I’m totally looking for love, but it’s only fun with an equal partner. Alright, I’m going to go turn over some rocks now…

The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself. -Mark Twain

He didn’t desire her to be mean to her. He didn’t plant these feelings in her heart to make her sad. But desire was there, his and hers, and as a consequence, it wasn’t a safe relationship anymore. -Ann Brashares

Daily Love Horoscope (Cancer, 2-7-10) If there’s one thing your personal life needs, it’s more magic. Are there small ways you can shake up your usual approach to your love life? Even the smallest movements can engender great positive change.

If you ever want to get your life in order or clean your entire house, I suggest finding some huge, life-altering thing to apply to (but it only works if there is a deadline). With a week and one day left until D-Day, aka the day I turn in my big app for the big scholarship for my big dreams, I decided that the best way to work on my application was to clean my room and get my life in order. It has actually worked out really well and I feel rejuvinated. So much so that I woke up this morning refreshed and ready to take on the world. Even the weather report saying the windchill was 16 degrees and that it was snowing could not dampen my spirits. I don’t have class until 1pm today so I decided to ride my bike the very short distance to the grocery store so that my spirits weren’t prematurely dampened by fainting from the severe lack of food in my house. I bundled up and strategically packed bungees and an empty bag for the groceries and it was going to be a lovely, albeit cold trip.

The wind was clearly against me. And I don’t just mean that literally. I mean it really had something against me. There are a lot of bikers in Columbia, and maybe they feel at one with the wind, but the wind and I have a somewhat adversarial relationship. Actually, it’s more like bully and victim. I couldn’t really open my eyes because the snow was being drilled in my face, but it wasn’t really that bad. Once I got off the hilly parts and onto almost level ground I was starting to enjoy myself. You all know I can’t drive. It is somewhat hard for me to describe how difficult that is. I mean most people realize what not driving means in terms of school and jobs, but what I really miss is it being 11pm and realizing that I’m out of notecards and hair stuff so I drive up to walgreens and while I’m there pick up some pull’n'peels to share with my roommates. Riding a bicycle is completely different. You have to plan your route and consider that going out at 11pm may not be the best idea. But there are some things I really appreciate, like the feeling you get after you have propelled yourself to the top of a hill and you can finally coast. Although the last few months have required my dependence on many amazing friends, a lot of the time it is just me, launching myself up and down hills. But I digress.

As I was turning into the grocery store parking lot I started to scan for a bike rack or somewhere to park. Then I realized the one thing I forgot when I diligently packed my bag: my bike lock. Only once have I not locked my bike up and that was at the library and I used some cord to make it look like it was locked. This was “ghetto” Gerbes, so I had no choice but to turn around. On the way back I thought it might be nice to take the bike path through the park instead of going around the block so that at the very least this trip could be enjoyable if not productive. I tried to hop the curb but failed, no surprise. I got back on my bike and started on the path.

About 15 yards into the path I angled my bike onto the wooden bridge and totally wiped out. I’d like to remind you that it’s about 20 degrees out and snowing. The bridge was frozen and my bike just went out from under me like a bad turn of the ankle. Well, what a lovely idea that was. Ironically, this little trip was turning out much like my last semester of school during which I spent most of the time looking on top of buildings for the impending anvil to drop.

Over winter break I visited a chiropractor who worked on my neck to relieve my migraine pain which had been nearly constant for over four months. He said that the muscles I should be using to hold up my neck were too weak so I had been holding my neck the wrong way which caused my vertebrae to rub together in a bad way, scar tissue formed around the vertebrae, and then I compensated by using different muscles to hold up my neck. The result: migraines that cannot be cured with the four pills a day that I take for them.

I think there are a lot of places in our lives where scar tissue has formed from a weakness or hurt that caused pain. We develop muscles around the scar tissue so that we don’t have to go back to that weakness but  instead we can circumvent it. But still after a while, there will be pain. And a lot of the times you won’t know what is causing it and people will try to just treat the pain instead of going back to the cause.

My chiropractor started by breaking down the scar tissue and gave me an exercise to strengthen my weak neck muscles. He said that every person has a threshold where pain starts, but the problem actually exists before then. If you only seek treatment when the problem is above the threshold then you are never going to truly be satisfied. But if you are more aggressive with treatment then your maintenance is easier.

I’ve always considered myself an open book, but over the last few months especially, I’ve been sharing with people. First, frustration with doctors about a total lack of answers. And people have shared with me about their anger about miscarriages, missed tumors, unnecessary surgeries, so many pills, and just not being heard. I’ve shared with friends and family about loss. And people have shared with me, experiencing the same things. The stress, anger, hurt, and sadness all exist whether or not we talk about them, but if we do talk about them, then we are exercising those weak muscles to avoid chronic, severe pain. I am probably always going to have migraines, but if I continue to do my exercises and every once in a while I go back to the chiropractor, they will be managable.

In my last post I said that I was hoping 2010 would pass quietly. But even I knew this was a silly statement. Every year there will be hard times and triumphs. The balance is TBD. And even when you’re optimistic and decide to take a stroll through the park, you may end up on your butt (yes, literally). But whatever your weakness or hurt is, you can only get by for so long compensating with other muscles. Pain always prevails if the hurt is not acknowledged.

Our lives improve only when we take chances – and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.
Walter Anderson

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! 2 Corinthians 5:17

Some years will stand out more in your memory than others twenty years in the future. I for one don’t think anything happened in 2005, but maybe for you it was the year that changed everything. For me, 2009 is going to be a big one. And I’m kind of hoping the next year passes quietly after everything this year has been.

Professionally, I interned for the state government, went to a leadership academy for women and began the application process for a nationally competitive public policy scholarship. I made the decision that I am not going to teach for more than 2-4 years before going into educational policy. This was a big deal for me to realize and accept.

Biggest Change in my life plans since 7th grade.

I spent the summer in Tanzania, Africa, travelling alone and going abroad for the first time. I worked for so long to pay for it and it was awesome to move around by myself and meet new people at every turn. This was an amazing experience that taught me so much about myself and I still miss the beautiful people and sights of Nkuu village. And I made it 16,404 feet above sea level.

Best song to climb a mountain to: The Climb -Miley Cyrus.

Enter the fall semester. My wonderful new niece is born then my sister gets engaged in back-to-back weeks. And then just two weeks after that I have a seizure, proceed to get tested for all kinds of things, get no answers but continue to have outrageous migraines nearly contstantly in addition to taking a medicine that causes me to be dizzy and have trouble speaking. Oh, and I can’t drive for six months. But my parents bought me a bike and I learned how to ride it (no really I could not ride it when I first got on!) and I made it work. Even now in the cold I’m still trudging up to campus on my bike. I had to give a lot of things up, not the least of which was my independence.

#1 cause of seizures: unknown

Exactly one month after my seizure, my dog died. He was nearly 13 and we kind of had a feeling it was coming so it wasn’t exactly a surprise, but it definitely wasn’t welcome. My dog, despite being well-trained would always bark incessently at the mailman. But whenever my nephew was taking a nap at the house and the mailman came to the door, Nick wouldn’t make a noise. He just knew to be quiet without anyone saying anything. He was always so in touch with our emotions.

Best dog ever: Nick

And then all of a sudden my Grandpa’s cancer isn’t going away this time. The Mayo clinic says they don’t have any options for him. For once I’m thankful for KU and the medical team there because they are providing the only option with a pill form of chemo. We decide to move thanksgiving up and do it two weeks early. And my entire family (32 people) gathered for what we thought would be our last visit with my grandpa. My aunts had to answer the question: “Why are we doing thanksgiving early this year?”. It was a good day and the Chiefs beat the Raiders. My grandpa passed not quite two weeks later in the night.

Insert tearful montage here

This year has seen a lot of ups and downs. I had an amazing internship, went on a great trip to Africa, got a new little niece and a future brother-in-law, and a whole new plan for my future. But these last 3 months have been the most stressful ever. I wasn’t in the country when Michael Jackson died and I don’t care about Tiger Woods or whatever. When I think back to this time I won’t remember those things but I will remember what it felt like when I was about to seize, or when I first came home and my dog wasn’t there to greet me, or when it was time to leave the visitation but my grandma went back one last time and laid her hand on her husband’s coffin and just looked at his picture with the most tender look I have ever seen.  That is an image I will never forget.

Top Eight Things I’ve Learned this Year (in random order)

• When you’re having a crappy day, a kind word from a stranger really does make a difference

• Vote Yes for public transit!

• Ask yourself hard questions -like where do I want to be in a couple years or what makes me stand out, you discover all kinds of things

• Music is amazing and Ipods are great

• Sometimes a C really is the best you can do

• Don’t just listen to doctors, they never have all the answers

• When your biking uphill, you can’t look at the top in the distance you’ve got to look at the road just ahead of you and before you know it you’ve reached the top

• Count your blessings

Thanks for checking in. Thanks for being there. Here’s to 2010 being the year for all of us.

“I should like to live my life again as if for the first time, but without your magic ball. Then I will experience the bad things as well as the good without cutting them short, and at least my life will not pass as swiftly and meaninglessly as a daydream.”
-William J. Bennet in The Book of Virtues

“It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves” -Sir Edmund Hillary

So this is your last update about my journey in Africa. I leave tomorrow evening and travel for 28 hours during which time only 20 hours elapse. Weird.

Alright, so I’ll start at the beginning. I arrived at the hotel to start my kilimanjaro climb only to find out that my trip notes were incorrect. I actually started the climb on monday and finished on friday. It was the five day climb not the six day climb. That meant no extra day for acclimatization. There wasn’t really anything I could do to change this, so I put on a good attitude and started walking.

For reference: http://www.mtkilimanjaro.org/imagesn/na/05/Kilimanjaro%20_%20map.jpg (look at the marangu rt. triangles are huts)

Day one. We start at 1400m at Marangu hotel. We get our stuff together, pack our daybags, grab a bag lunch and a pole, and get dropped off at the gate at about 11am. 17km to the first hut: Mandara. That put us at 2700m altitude, so we were feeling nice and refreshed. We had a nice night at mandara and woke up with tea and a big breakfast.

Day Two: Mandara hut to Horombo hut is another 17 km. You start to feel the air getting thinner now. It was a pretty steep walk, but it felt alright. We were walking through the clouds on this day and the stillness in the air was unlike anything. The only animals above 3000m are these massive ravens. Apart from that it is a barren dessert like land. When we arrived at the second hut we were finally above the clouds. It was amazing. It looked like you could jump out onto the clouds and just float. Horombo was at 3700m altitude, so this is when you can start to feel some of the sickness starting. Honestly, I didn’t have one meal that stayed in my body from this point on. I got up three times in the night to go to the bathroom. One time I went to the bathroom, came outside and sat on a rock to look at the stars, then went again before going back to my hut to sleep! No amount of imodium or tylenol or diamox or cipro seemed to help.

Day Three: Again, we wake up with tea and breakfast. Our group decided to take the infrequently used upper route from Horombo (hut 2) to Kibo (hut 3). Unlike what you see on the map, we walked straight up to the saddle between the two peaks (mawenzi the craggly looking peak and kibo the traditional kili peak). This meant that we had about 3 or so hours of difficult walking and then a nice, fairly flat walk across to the huts. We also got to see the zebra rocks and mawenzi up close. Those first 3 hours were rough. I had so little energy and breathing was difficult. For awhile I wasn’t sure I would even make it to the final huts. I was the only person in the group who hadn’t been above 3000m before, so I think I began feeling the symptoms first. We all made it though. The last little bit up the hill to the kibo huts was so difficult. And the whole time you can see the very top of the mountain, laughing at your attempt.

Day Three, part two: We got a couple hours rest and a meal before being awoken at 11pm to start the ascent. Everyone put on all their clothes and prepared for the summit. One of our group couldn’t leave the hut because he was already throwing up so much. So the six of us who were left began. Kibo huts are at 4700m, so you couldn’t really get any rest there. And breathing was so rough. You have about 50% of your normal oxygen levels at this point. The stars were unreal though. You can’t get much closer to the stars, and they were amazing. Anyway, we start the final ascent on the scree slopes with a switchback route. It’s impossible to climb directly up scree. We were told that every 20 minutes we would get a break for water. Lies. It had felt like ages when I asked our guide if it had been twenty minutes yet. I couldn’t understand how the others were able to speak in full voices. I was giving everything I had to just put one foot in front of the other.

My declining awareness: I had told myself that no matter how sick I got, if I could just put one foot in front of the other I would keep going. Who knew that would be my problem? The whole thing is blurry and hard to focus on. I had random images and memories floating through my head. It had felt like days that I had been trudging up the summit, but only a couple hours had passed. I was trying to follow the girl in front of me and move my feet like hers. They didn’t listen. I was so dizzy. Which way was up? I was falling all over the place with no real control of my limbs. My eyes felt like they were crossing.

This morning my fellow climbers told me that they each were holding themselves back from saying that I should get down the mountain. One guy said that when the guide pulled my ski mask up off my head to cool me off, there was a panic in my eyes that was scary. I was just above 5000m when I told them I needed to go down. I knew that if I was already in this state and still had 4.5 hours until gillman’s, then I wasn’t going to make it. There was no reason to go ten more steps. Who knows what condition I would have been in then?

So I came down. Out of my group of seven, one finished at kibo huts, I made it to 5000m, three made it to gillman’s, and two made it to uhuru peak. We started climbing down from kibo at 1pm, just 74 hours after we first started climbing. It was a race against altitude sickness, and some of us just weren’t fast enough. Going down was such a pain. We went from kibo to horombo on day four (thursday). Then yesterday we went 34km from horombo to the gate. The shower that awaited me at the hotel was probably the best shower of my life. And now, I am back in moshi for one night before leaving tomorrow for home.

Just a quick reflection so you can get back to your busy lives…
This whole trip for me was a challenge to see how far I could go, how much I could do, how high I could reach. I learned what I was capable of. I can travel alone and be safe. I can spend seven weeks with a new group of strangers every couple weeks. I can shovel for eight hours in a day. I can learn enough a language to communicate with all kinds of people. I can barter. I can reach 5000m above sea level.

It has been a seriously crazy seven weeks. I don’t know what kind of shock I’m in for when I get back home. I do love it here and I will miss it, but that glass of milk waiting for me at home sounds amazing right now! With only five minutes of computer time left, I will try and wrap this up. I am proud of working so hard to pay for this trip, of pushing myself to my limits, and of never quitting. It’s a little scary but also a little exhillerating to realize that after seeing how far my limits were pushed, I can never go back to pretending like I can’t do something.

“I want to live out on the edge. On the edge there are all kinds of things you can’t see from the center.” Kurt Vonnegut

Thanks for everything,
Elise

Wow. Has it really been six weeks? I seriously cannot believe it. Somehow, we finished the building. Even though for three weeks we had only 2-3 people. We still got it done. I am so insanely proud of this structure that we created. Yesterday we finished painting in the morning and the teachers and students started getting this big ceremony together. After singing to us for quite a while, Ruth and I cut the ribbon and opened the building. Yes, seriously. It was pretty cool. All of the new group of volunteers came up to celebrate with us and we drank sodas and ate a ridiculous amount of food.

By this point, I have said goodbye to almost 20 volunteers. Is it really my turn to be the one leaving? It feels so surreal. We took so many pictures and went in to the teachers room to say our final goodbye. There were still sodas left, so the teachers would not let us leave until we had another. The head teacher, Flora, just kept saying that her daughters were leaving. She calls everyone her daughters, but it is still nice to hear her refer to us that way. We all laughed and had a great time. Then we left. Badaye (later).

This morning I went up to the school one last time to drop off the books and globe that I was donating to the new library that they will be able to start. I had tea with the teachers and we chatted. They loved all of the books and were tickled by my swahili knowledge (yesterday I knew how to toast ‘myisha marefu’ and today when Flora said God Bless You, I replied ‘na wei wei’ (and you too). It was so nice. Then I left. I went back to the empty house and got my stuff together then made the 1.5 hour journey into town.

I think I will have a better reflection on this experience next week, so I’ll wrap this up with something I thought of last week during my safari.

So I went to lake manyara and ngorongoro crater last weekend. The crater is the most beautiful place I have ever had the privilege of seeing. I am not a huge animal person, but it was still pretty awesome to see all these animals in such an amazing natural habitat. I was with this nice young danish couple and we had the same attitude about the safari: oh cool, a lion. let’s take a couple pictures then keep moving. It was a good time.

When we first got to the crater, we saw a herd of zebras. We got all excited and took far too many pictures. After 6 hours, 4 batteries, and countless animals later, we did not really need another picture of a zebra. Our guide stopped the car and pointed to a wildebeast in the distance. We were just sitting in the truck with disinterest. Yes, it is still cool, but we don’t really need to stop because we didn’t need any more pictures.

I wrote a facebook note just before I left for college about how sometimes we are too good at adjusting to new things. We just adapt and fit into new situations without really analyzing the situations. By the end of the safari, an ostrich was nice but not really worth the time of stopping the car and taking a picture. So I wanted to make sure that I did not adjust to the awesomeness of this place I am in and grow complacent.

I want to remember how exciting it is to see kili every time it appears from behind the clouds, how surprised I was to see that the advertising extended not just in Moshi city but all the way into the village, the feeling of being squeezed into a daladala, the coldness of a bucket shower, the amazing walk from our home through the jungle to school, dancing with the masai, discovering the hidden beauty of marangu falls, standing in the crater and seeing it extend above me. I can’t just get used to these things because then I will not be able to enjoy the beauty and the uniqueness. I don’t want it to be just another zebra.

So in the last week I tried to remind myself to take it all in. I may tell the street sellers that I live in Machame, but I don’t. Not really. I’m going home in just over a week. I have to appreciate the zebras while I can.

I am sad to be leaving Waramu village, but the building is done and it is time to move on. I am excited to start trekking up kili on sunday and I look forward to seeing you all soon!

Just quickly I’m going to explain the title to last weeks message which was never actually discussed in the email. Godfrey is our main builder at Waramu Primary School, and he is pretty much amazing. He plasters like noone you’ve ever met. So when in doubt about how much water to add to a particular mixture of cement, we ask: What Would Godfrey Do (the previous title).

Now, on to more recent things. Worked today from 7:30 to 5:40. We have one week left to finish the building, so we borrowed a couple of the new volunteers (a whole new shipment of uk volunteers arrived and is working at another school nearby) and worked like dogs all day. But we are now done with the floors of the two rooms. All that is left now is to do the porch floor, one air vent thing, and paint. Then we will be able to move the teachers out of the current office and turn it into a library. We have a bunch of books from past volunteers, and my parents gave me some money to buy more. I had a great time last weekend going through this little bookstore and finding all kinds of first grade style english books and novels in swahili and a globe. It’s going to be a very cool little library.

Since we got off work so late we were worried about making it to Moshi before dark. We walked the 20 minutes from the school to our new house (with the new volunteers) then packed our stuff and left. On the way to the daladala stop, we hitched a ride with the Austrian guy whose actually probably African now because he’s lived here for over 30 years. He actually took us all the way to our hotel and was so incredibly nice. As a result, I got to go to the atm, buy some candybars and biscuits, and come to internet. Thank you nice man. And I think that counts as hitchhiking, so another check on the list (or tick if you’re british).

So last weekend when I left you, I was frustrated by my safari plans falling through. My safari is on for this weekend, so I’m excited about that. Additionally, the whole thing worked out so much better than I could have planned. We went to a Massai camp and got dressed as massai women. We joined with the tribe to dance along to their a capella (SP) songs and do far too much jumping for three very sore mzungus! It was so much fun. And we were all laughing at how bad we were, the massai people too. It was the Africa that I had imagined: flat, brown, and sprinkled with acacia trees. It was really wonderful to be welcomed by the people and dance with them. So cool.

We are now down to two volunteers at Waramu. We were supposed to get two more last weekend, but they got homesick and decided not to come (they had been travelling before this). And for the last two weeks we haven’t had a Madventurer crew member at the school with us. It’s just me and Ruth and Godfrey and Shuma (the carpenter). The kids were still on holiday, so no one else is there who knows swahili and english. So we are left to communicate in whatever way we can. What has been really cool is that we can communicate. We’ve been working with them for 5 weeks, so there is this bond that has formed. We have a mutual repsect for the hardwork we’ve seen, so we have common ground. It is in that common ground that we can understand each other.

Today we got way more work done then was expected, so we were all exhausted. Godrey, quiet Godfrey, said we needed more maji (water) and something about the teachers. It’s hard to explain, but he was joking and we all just busted up in laughter. All day we were in on jokes together. It’s really cool to be able to do this without speaking the same language. It’s nice living in a place where you don’t know the language. I only know that people are making fun of me,

So what does get lost in translation, if humor doesnt? One of the most important words to learn in swahili (especially in the village) is pole. It is translated as I’m sorry, but that is not really what it means. We use sorry when we bump into someone or when we take the last of the toilet paper. But we also use it when someone looses a relative or when they get laid off or have a rough day. In swahili, samahani is used for those petty type of issues, and pole is used differently. I say pole if I see an old women carrying a heavy branch on her head. I say pole if someone’s hard work at plastering is ruined by the rain. I say pole if someone is sad to have to leave this beautiful place. It doesn’t mean sorry like our form of sorry does. It just doesnt translate.

So I leave for Safari tomorrow at ngorongoro crater and lake manyara. Then I celebrate my birthday in the village with all the new folk. Another guy turns 20 on wednesday, so I think we might have a joint party kind of thing. Ruth and I have basically made a promise that we will try the famous banana beer before we leave. Perhaps I will choke down a swig of it as a birthday celebration? It’s part of experiencing the culture!

Oh, I remember one thing I was going to talk about. So the new people have experienced there first week of real hard work. Our first week was a little bit rougher than theirs, but everyone’s wake-up call is different. Anyway, I’ve heard some comments from people saying they don’t know how people do this work for their whole lives. Not because it is not difficult, but because it is not intellectually stimulating enough for them. I was taken aback. I have so much respect for this work. Maybe after a week of brickmaking I was average at it and could do alright continuing on my own, but we just get to do the grunt work part of things. We weren’t involved in the ordering of the sand and deciding how many bricks were needed, what the structure would look like, how to save money, and how to make the cement last a little longer.

Also, just the sheer hard work aspect. It’s refreshing to me to make bricks and plaster and actually physically mold and alter a building. It’s so cool. And after five weeks I have loads of respect for the builders here and at home. I know what it means to be good at plastering and laying bricks. How odd that some people find it not as worthy. It’s skillful and useful and something you can take pride in. And you don’t just build bricks, you create structures that were not there before. It is so cool for me to look at our nearly completed building and know that I was a part of every brick made. I remember what it looked like before there was anything there. And now, after only 5 weeks, a building. A change.

Some people have wondered if what we’re doing is going to make a real widespread impact. Maybe not. I don’t have qualms about the scope of the work I’m doing. I know what it feels like to be a child who goes to a school that is well cared for and beautiful. I know what it is like for a child to hold a book in his hands and read word by word to create a story. Isn’t that enough. Maybe these children will continue to live in the village and won’t be able to afford secondary school and won’t every know where oxford, but who cares. Why is that the epitome of a good life? Volunteering isn’t about changing the world. I know that the teachers and the villagers appreciate this. The children appreciate our presence and our new words. Knowing that someone has felt valued by me is awesome. The village chairman stopped us on the street today to thank us for our work. That is so cool. Why does it have to be widespread. It can’t start widespread, it never does. Just value people and put their needs before your own. That is how things change and how peoples lives are improved. And if the only affect of this is that one kids finds his favorite book, then I’m okay with that.

Only a few minutes left. And only 2 weeks left here. One will be a blur of sleep and walking and cold, so really just one week. I’ll be sad to go, but last week I started making lists of things to do when I get back. This was a good amount of time.

See you all soon,
Elise